I've been doing a lot of reading lately. A few days ago I stumbled upon an incredible blog written by another adoptive mama. I've had a lot to catch up on in her story, and I've gained tons of insight from her already. In fact, that is what I want to talk about right now. Most recently I read a post entitled, "Jesus is the Prize, or the Orphan is the Idol". Wow! The title really grabs you huh? I know it grabbed me. I've been thinking about it off and on all day, pondering if she was describing me or not. I would love to say not but, I don't think I can. You see, I have to confess that I have spent more time on facebook stalking for pictures, searching for a glimpse into her past and present; more time googling GVCM and watching Youtube videos......than I have spent in prayer for my daughter. There. I said it. The ugly truth. I have made Maphada the prize, I have made her an idol in my world. In doing so I have neglected the most important relationship I will ever have, the only real constant in my life. I have become so wrapped up in her, in imagining life with her, spending countless hours daydreaming and romanticizing what it will be like to have her home...... All time that I could have spent drawing closer to my Heavenly Father, the One who loves her best. I have not done this intentionally. Surfing the internet, stalking facebook, and reading blogs are all things I do to feel like I am doing something. This process has left me feeling so utterly and completely helpless, and it would seem that I have fought against that feeling, instead of embracing it, learning from it, and gaining strength from my God. Sure, I've had my moments, He hasn't let me wander too far. I wouldn't still be here fighting for her if He hadn't sustained me, if I hadn't called out to Him to keep me afloat as I tread these tumultuous waters. It's just that I was really struck by one of the comments in her blog and how accurate it was. She listed the outcomes of making the orphan an idol, one of which was burnout and the desire to quit. I haven't shared this with very many people, but this last trip was particularly gruesome. I found myself feeling like I was running out of steam. I found myself asking how much more of this I could take? How many more times can my heart handle leaving her tear-stained face behind? I found myself wanting the pain to just end. Now. We all know the only way the pain could stop now is if I quit, and quitting is not an option! At all. But the thought crossed my mind, and it terrified me. Anyway, the point is, I've experienced that feeling, as well as a few others that made her list, and when I read it earlier today I realized the cause. I have lost sight of what this is really about. I have lost sight of the ultimate prize. My Jesus. Jesus is the prize. He is the reason we fight for her. This is all about Him and what He purposes to do in her life, in mine, and in the life of our family.
So, the way I see it, I can take door number one and keep stalking facebook, keep scouring the web for news, keep googling GVCM and basically driving myself crazy...... or...... I can take door number two and turn my eyes upon Jesus, tirelessly pursuing my Savior, becoming the faithful believer I soooo want to be, the wife and mother I need to be for my family as it exists in this moment, as well as how it will exist in the future.
And, as long as we are being totally honest with each other, I must also confess my obsession with facebook comments. I have desperately needed the encouragement of friends and family, which is okay without the desperation factor. It is so comforting to know we have friends and family praying for us faithfully, and painful to me when those who I thought were walking along side us stop participating in any way. The hurt turns to anger and it poisons relationships. What is that about? It's hard to navigate the social aspects of our world now with facebook and myspace, bloggers and instagram. I can see when friends are online, when a post about laundry soap gets more traffic than a post about my daughter. It hurts. But once again that is just me making this process about me and about Maphada, instead of keeping my eyes on the ultimate prize. I am learning a lot about myself in this process. I hope I come out on the other side a more accurate reflection of Christ who lives in me, instead of the hot mess I feel like right now.
*Okay, I think I've had enough transparency for one night. Just in case you are wondering where all this honesty came from, you can thank my friend Andy, :)
**For those of you who want to follow the story of the other adoptive mama, her blog is entitled "This Poetic Present", and she is a much better writer than I am! Thank you Cindy, for sharing your heart and helping me see deeper into my own!
***And please, someone tell me I am not the only obsessive facebook comment psycho!!! ;)
Goodnight friends! Thanks for reading...
7.08.2012
I see her everywhere...
Today has been all kinds of awful. Yesterday, with one breathtakingly beautiful chocolate exception, was one of those picture perfect kind of days filled with family, friends, food, fun and even fireworks. Gee, that is a lot of F's. Anyway, whatever yesterday was, today has been the exact opposite. Birthday party, pity party...doesn't matter. I can pull off both rather well. In today's defense, I should say that the first taste of awful actually took place yesterday, in Burger's Lake, ten feet from a diving board. I was trying to keep track of 7 kiddos, all determined to make it to the diving board first, when my eyes met hers, I mean his, and instantly filled with stinging tears. This adorable little boy had eyes exactly like hers, same shape, same darkness, so deep, and soulful. I felt like I had been punched in the chest. I pulled myself back to reality, forced myself to turn my gaze away from those eyes and focus on the laughter and excitement of the kiddos I was in charge of...only to be faced with a little girl about her age, with the same beautiful complexion, same size and walk, jumping off of the diving board and kicking her little legs up in the same way I've watched Maphada kick her little legs up dozens of times. Why? Why did I have to see that? I try really hard not to question God's timing with the adoption. I truly and sincerely trust Him and His plan for this journey. It is the only think keeping me sane! But why, oh why do I have to see her everywhere while I wait? It is so painful. I guess that's how it goes when you've spent hours pouring over pictures, memorizing every aspect of someone's face and profile???
Anyway, moving on to today. I have to confess, I more or less just woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I was up for 31 hours straight before dozing a bit in the car and then finally falling into bed at midnight last night. With another 12 hour shift ahead of me and a completely destroyed house on my hands, I felt completely exhausted (and super sensitive) before the day even started. While washing one of approximately one hundred dishes, with the help of my sweet neice Rylee :), my phone vibrates letting me know I have been tagged in a picture. I open my facebook app and am greeted with a picture of my sweet Maphada and the smiling face of my friend Jackie who was just in Haiti on a medical mission trip. While at the orphanage she loved on my girl and took a few pictures for me. I am so thankful for those pictures! Although I have to say, I totally have a love/hate relationship with them. I love seeing her, seeing her smile, seeing her healthy...I hate not seeing all of those things in person, not being able scoop her up into my arms and hear her and smell her as well. So once again I find myself with stinging tears in my eyes, feeling as if I've been punched in the chest, and that's not the worst part...
I am so mad at myself for not planning better, for not thinking of what Maphada's reaction to Jackie and her team would be, for not preparing her little heart in some way. You see, n the day the team left for Haiti it occured to me that I had been a part of the last two medical trips Jackie had been on. I wondered if Maphada would see Jackie and think "yay, my Mama is here!" and proceed to look for me among the unfamiliar faces on the team. I sent Jackie a message to see how she was doing but facebook is really whacky in Haiti and she didn't get the message at the time. It wasn't until today that she responded, confirming my fears. She said that Maphada did seem to wonder where I was, that she completely avoided them the first few days, that she had to chase her down to take that first picture. It wasn't until she told her the picture was for Mama Maphada that she smiled and warmed up to her. Jackie told me that the last few days she hung around more and seemed to be okay. Oh how I wish I had thought to prepare her, to let her know I wouldn't be there. It is so hard to know what she is thinking most of the time, to even attempt to anticipate her feelings and reactions to things. I hate knowing I could have lessened the hurt of this experience for her. Throughout this journey I have prayed that God would allow each day to pass in a pleasant routine for her, that time would move quickly, that she wouldn't hurt and long for us like we do for her. I pray that when she thinks of us it brings a smile to her face, a warmth to her heart knowing she is loved, knowing she has a family waiting for her. Don't get me wrong, I want her to want to be with us, but not for that desire to be painful for her, if that makes sense. Anyway, it's just been a rough day thinking of my precious little girl, the time we've missed already with countless days still to come, no idea of when she will be home. Please, if you are reading this, pray for her heart, pray for mine, her papa's, her brother's. Pray for our journey to come to a joyful end really soon. Aside from simply pressing in to my Savior and standing on His promises, the prayers and encouragement of our family and friends are the only thing getting us through this process. We miss her and need her here so badly.
Thank you,
Mama Maphada
Anyway, moving on to today. I have to confess, I more or less just woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I was up for 31 hours straight before dozing a bit in the car and then finally falling into bed at midnight last night. With another 12 hour shift ahead of me and a completely destroyed house on my hands, I felt completely exhausted (and super sensitive) before the day even started. While washing one of approximately one hundred dishes, with the help of my sweet neice Rylee :), my phone vibrates letting me know I have been tagged in a picture. I open my facebook app and am greeted with a picture of my sweet Maphada and the smiling face of my friend Jackie who was just in Haiti on a medical mission trip. While at the orphanage she loved on my girl and took a few pictures for me. I am so thankful for those pictures! Although I have to say, I totally have a love/hate relationship with them. I love seeing her, seeing her smile, seeing her healthy...I hate not seeing all of those things in person, not being able scoop her up into my arms and hear her and smell her as well. So once again I find myself with stinging tears in my eyes, feeling as if I've been punched in the chest, and that's not the worst part...
I am so mad at myself for not planning better, for not thinking of what Maphada's reaction to Jackie and her team would be, for not preparing her little heart in some way. You see, n the day the team left for Haiti it occured to me that I had been a part of the last two medical trips Jackie had been on. I wondered if Maphada would see Jackie and think "yay, my Mama is here!" and proceed to look for me among the unfamiliar faces on the team. I sent Jackie a message to see how she was doing but facebook is really whacky in Haiti and she didn't get the message at the time. It wasn't until today that she responded, confirming my fears. She said that Maphada did seem to wonder where I was, that she completely avoided them the first few days, that she had to chase her down to take that first picture. It wasn't until she told her the picture was for Mama Maphada that she smiled and warmed up to her. Jackie told me that the last few days she hung around more and seemed to be okay. Oh how I wish I had thought to prepare her, to let her know I wouldn't be there. It is so hard to know what she is thinking most of the time, to even attempt to anticipate her feelings and reactions to things. I hate knowing I could have lessened the hurt of this experience for her. Throughout this journey I have prayed that God would allow each day to pass in a pleasant routine for her, that time would move quickly, that she wouldn't hurt and long for us like we do for her. I pray that when she thinks of us it brings a smile to her face, a warmth to her heart knowing she is loved, knowing she has a family waiting for her. Don't get me wrong, I want her to want to be with us, but not for that desire to be painful for her, if that makes sense. Anyway, it's just been a rough day thinking of my precious little girl, the time we've missed already with countless days still to come, no idea of when she will be home. Please, if you are reading this, pray for her heart, pray for mine, her papa's, her brother's. Pray for our journey to come to a joyful end really soon. Aside from simply pressing in to my Savior and standing on His promises, the prayers and encouragement of our family and friends are the only thing getting us through this process. We miss her and need her here so badly.
Thank you,
Mama Maphada
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