A Momma's Heart

June is a big month for our family. First we celebrate the anniversary of our marriage, then Dabby's Day rolls around, and, drumroll please, we celebrate the birth of our two beautiful, amazing children...who just so happen to live in different countries. With it following so closely on the heels of my seventh trip to Haiti, June 2012 was no exception to the typical emotions this month brings to our year, it just threw in a few dozen extra! My heart has navigated through more raw, human emotions than one would think is possible in the last four weeks.
Well, not to be outdone by June 10th, 17th, 21st, or 27th, June 29th sauntered in with its own brand of emotional highs and lows. You see, tonight was our son's very first performing program of any kind. Being homeschooled, he hasn't had many opportunities to participate in these types of things. It was rather last minute, but fortunately for me, I work with some of the best people in the world. A day shift nurse agreed to flex shifts with me so I wouldn't have to miss this moment in my son's life. I will be forever grateful to her because I think a small part of my soul would have died to have missed my son's performance and all of his goofy, adorable antics on the stage. I sat there in the crowd feeling so proud, so honored to be his momma, so blessed to call him my son. He was full of energy and spunk, his dramatic hand motions and uber expressive face have me thinking I have got to get this kid into some drama classes! Anyway, I digress... I sat there with a heart so full I thought it would explode, eyes totally riveted on his every movement, every expression, oblivious to all of the other children around him. Happy tears filled my eyes as I watched this little piece of me and Chris up on the stage, singing his heart out to our Lord and Savior. Suddenly, my vision changed and I wasn't oblivious to the other children anymore. I sat there thinking how great it was that all of these children had people in the crowd who loved them and where there just for them, just to marvel at the little people they are and who they will one day become. London had his parents, grandparents, great-grandparents and his aunt and uncle and cousins there to watch him, to participate in something that was important to him and his little soul. My heart was so full. On one hand I felt like it would burst with joy...but on the other, it was equally filled with sorrow.
Here's the thing. These moments are never complete for me anymore. Life after Maphada, life after Haiti, life after loving dozens of orphaned children just isn't the same as it was before. My heart dwells in two very different places. I feel split in two most of the time. Life here is so vastly different. I sat there thinking how sad it is, how incredibly wrong it is, that thousands of children in the world have never experienced a moment like that, a moment that is just for them, a moment where people show up...just for them. Thousands of children die every day because of starvation and thirst. Thousands more die of malaria, a preventable and treatable disease! Others waste away in institutions, never knowing the love of a family, listlessly waiting for someone to show up. The problem is so huge, so unfathomable, where do we even begin? Oh how I long to make a difference for the orphans in this world! How I long to show up! I don't know exactly how to do that but I am hoping I figure it out.
In the meantime I pray for their little souls, for their broken hearts...

that the Lord will keep their lamps brightly burning,

that our God will turn their darkness into light.

Psalm 18:28

Birthdays and countdowns...

So, in an effort to be totally transparent, I am going to share some not so flattering details of my day today...

First of all, I slept in to a ridiculously late hour, 1:15 I think... The first thing I did was check facebook. Like I said, these details are not pretty and I am embarrassed to admit that checking facebook first thing is not at all unusual for me. I am an addict. Where were we? Oh yes, facebook. The first post I see is from a fellow adoptive mama cheerfully posting details of what this day means for her family, counting the days, the 4 month anniversary of bringing her adorable baby girls home from Haiti, followed by an equally adorable homecoming video. She had no way of knowing what this day meant for my family...and she is not responsible for the emotions I felt in seeing her post. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for her. Happy for what it means to her family, as well as filled with hope for what it will one day mean for mine. It just wasn't a good day. We are counting too. Today is Maphada's 9th birthday. We have celebrated three birthdays with her so far. Three. Last year I posted a sweet pic of Markes taking her out for ice cream on her 8th birthday. Someone commented asking how long it would be until we could bring her home. Naively, I replied that best case scenario she would be home by Christmas, but hopefully at least before her next birthday. Well, here it is. And here she isn't.
Lately I've been answering the above question with something similar, "Best case scenario she will be home by Christmas, if everything goes absolutely perfectly from this point on". Why do I keep doing this to myself? I have no idea when she will be home!!!! NONE!!!  I am constantly fighting to keep my sanity, to maintain a sense of peace, to cling to God's promises when it feels like it will never happen. So, today has not been pretty. I have wept, I have questioned, I have prayed, I have searched, I have been angry, I have been numb, I have been lonely, I have been heartbroken, I have thrown one heck of a pity party...and I have scolded myself for all of the above.
Where is my faith? Where is my trust? Do I really believe God is who He says He is? Do I believe He loves me? Do I believe He loves her? Of course, the answer is YES. I do believe God is who He says He is, that He loves me, that He loves her (more than I do). I believe He has a purpose in the wait, that He is molding us and stretching us to make us stronger...because this gut wrenching wait is only half of the battle. We will have so many challenges once she is home. This little girl I love so much is basically a stranger. Yes we've traveled seven times to see her, we've caught little glimpses of who she is, but we have yet to see and understand the complete canvas of her heart. I romanticize the process and say things like "I love everything about her", "I wouldn't change anything about who she is", etc. when in reality I barely know her. And that's okay, because the truth in those statements is that I choose to love her, and will always choose to love her, no matter what we learn about her once she is home. So with tears in my eyes, more questions than answers in my heart, I wish my beautiful baby girl a

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

BONNE FETE!!!

JOYEUX ANIVERSAIRE!!!

And on a happier note... WE JUST SKYPED WITH MAPHADA!!! Mesi Jezi! A beautiful end to a very trying day. Choosing to believe God is good. All the time. Loving a beautiful little girl in Haiti with all of our hearts...