"Can you not have more parents?"

I wonder if anyone has ever asked an orphan, "Can you not have more parents?" I don't mean to sound harsh, but I can't tell you how many people have asked me "Can you not have more children?" since we started this process. I suppose it is a natural question. People are curious as to why we would choose to grow our family through adoption. A lot of people automatically assume we can't have anymore kids "of our own" and that is why we are adopting. It is not. Actually, I guess it could be...we haven't even tried since London was born. You see, as I've mentioned before, adopting is something I have always wanted to do, something God laid on my heart as far back as my childhood. I remember telling my mom one day approximately 6 1/2 years ago that I was thrilled to experience pregnancy, but felt that our next child would be adopted.
I absolutely loved being pregnant! I played with the doppler every night that I worked and listened to his heart beat. I cherished every kick and flutter. London was delivered by c-section due to placenta previa, so I missed out on the natural childbirth I had planned on. I know many of you are rolling your eyes right now and thinking, whatever!!! I literally stayed up the entire first night just staring at him. He was so perfectly pink and precious. I loved breast feeding, more eye rolling from a few, I know because I did it before I experienced it for myself...magical! :) Anyway, my point is that it was an amazing experience, one that we may choose to repeat one day, but for now the plight of the orphans weighs too heavily upon my heart to even consider bringing another child into the world while there are so many helpless, hopeless children already here who need a mommy and daddy to love and cherish them. Please do not misunderstand me. I am not at all saying it is wrong to have a child. I just think it's sad that people don't typically think to adopt just for the sake of adopting, for the sake of a lonely child in desperate need for a family. For many it is a last resort. Having experienced the "birth" of a child grown in my heart, I can say with absolute certainty, it is equally magical and just as amazing as physically giving birth to a child. I am thrilled to be carrying Maphada in my heart. I love the sound of her deep voice! I cherish every photo and video chat. The journey has been long and painful at times, but I would do it again in a moment to see her little face light up on that computer screen as the image of our faces appear to her. It is absolutely priceless!
So, I would encourage all of you to think about adoption in a new way, not as a last resort, but as a purposeful way to reach out to the lonely and helpless children in our broken world. Support families in your community who are in the process of adopting, or those who have brought their children home and are dealing with unique issues. Encourage families who are fostering children in temporary placement, or those who are fostering to adopt and risking the loss of a child or children. Pray that God will provide fathers for the fatherless, and be open to the possibility of Him making you that father or mother ;) ... Most of  all, pray that God will reveal Himself to the orphans around the world as their Heavenly Father, that they will place their trust and faith in Him above all, and experience an eternity so vastly different than their present life. Pray they will learn the glorious truth that this life is not all there is and find ways to spread that truth around the world, not only to orphans, but to all who find themselves utterly helpless in a cold, cruel, careless world.

Beauty for ashes...

I am not particularly proud of the emotions that have marched through my heart this morning... I don't even know where to begin... I am constantly having to stop mid-rant and remind myself of who my God is. My God is not weakness. My God is not powerless. My God is not helpless. I am. But He, most definitely, is not. I keep having to remind myself that He knit my daughter together when she was still in her mother's womb, that He witnessed her birth into complete and utter poverty, that while I was welcoming a healthy, pink baby boy into my teeny, tiny world, she was given up by her Mama to live among strangers. He was still there, and He still loved her, and He had a plan. Sin is ugly, but my God is beautiful, and I must choose to glorify Him through each and every painful step, through each disappointment and setback. I keep reminding myself that He used the devastation of an earthquake that killed hundreds of thousands of people to bring my beautiful Maphada into our lives. Can I really question how long it will take? Am I ultimately angry with my God when I grumble and complain about the wait? Who, after all, is in control? 

I know the answer to that question. I will once again confess my impatient, questioning heart and fill it with His promises. I will cling to the truth that God is incapable of making mistakes. He is always righteous, always just. No man can thwart His perfect plan, and He is in control.

So, I wait for Him to make something beautiful from the ashes. Glimpses of what that beauty will look like keep me sane... I see it in her sparkling eyes, I hear it in her joyful laughter, I feel it when she is in my arms... It still hurts, but the beauty outweighs every heartache, and I would do it all over again in a second to know her and to be known as Mama Maphada. :')

        "Giving them a garland instead of ashes,

The oil of gladness instead of mourning,

The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting,

So they will be called oaks of righteousness,

The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified."

Isaiah 61:3

Our forever family

Dabby meets Maphada, and takes her swimming, =)

Sitting, waiting, wishing...

I sit here this morning pondering the possibilities, those I've lost because of the depth of my sin, and those that still lie ahead because we serve a merciful God. For those of you who don't know, and the few that do, it must be said that since my first trip to Haiti I have wanted to move there. Surprised? Me too. =) At first it was because of the pain I experienced when I rode away from my daughter. Those first two weeks back home I experienced some of the most painful days of my life. And I daydreamed, a lot. I thought of all the possibilities and scenarios that would have to take place for us to just pack up and move to Fedja, Mirebalias, Haiti. It was impossible. Too many obligations. Too much debt. I eventually got over the idea and just tried to deal with it all the best that I could. I made connections on facebook and was able to send packages to Maphada frequently. I stalked people on facebook and found several pictures of Maphada to savor in her absence. I rejoiced when God provided a way for me to return to Haiti in June 2010 for M's birthday. (Thank you mom and dad!) I spent 6 glorious days with my Maphada, my London, and  my Momma. Then I left her again. And once again my heart was heavy for weeks with the desire to leave all of our comforts here to be with her. And once again, I had to dismiss the idea because it was just impossible. I sent packages. I stalked facebook. I prayed. I rejoiced when once again God provided a way for me to return to Haiti, this time to witness the meeting of Dabby and Maphada. GLORIOUS! (Thank you again mom and dad!) Then we left her, and oh how she clung to her Dabby that morning! :'( I sent packages. I stalked facebook. I PRAYED. How would I endure this? I fought intense jealously when I learned of another couple who was moving there to expedite their adoption and work for GVCM. Why them? Why not me? Don't get me wrong, I was happy for them, but totally, completely bummed for me. But once again God provided and Chris was able to travel to Haiti again. I rejoiced in the opportunity. In my absence he was able to bond with her and she never left his side. He tucked her into bed on that last night, then rode away in the early hours of the next morning. She awoke, and her Dabby was gone. He did prepare her, but still, I cringe to think of what she must have felt. I savored the pictures and videos he took, the details of their time together, and again my heart was heavy with the desire to go to her. Impossible. I sent packages. I talked to her on the phone! I stalked facebook. I prayed! And once again, God provided a way for me to go to Haiti, dossier in hand. (I'll post a blog one day detailing the nightmare that was the dossier). I spent 6 glorious days with my Maphada, my London, and my Momma. This trip was packed full of intensity. Taking our dossier was a huge step in the process. I was incredibly thankful to be at that point, but with her 8th birthday steadily approaching, I was also angry that it had taken so long. I spent every possible moment with my girl. We debated if she should spend the night with us or not. She did. She played, snacked, read, and laughed with us for 6 days. And on the last day, she cried for hours in my arms. What had I done? In my desire to soak up every moment with her I had inadvertently caused her pain. My conversation with her and Jude the night before seemed futile. She clung to me and cried in a sorrowful way. What you don't know yet is that I had already seen sweet M cry four times. She cries with no noise. She is so quiet, and living in an orphanage I am sure she has learned to hide her tears from taunting. This time she made noise, so the depth of her emotion struck me in an entirely new way. I was glad she felt a connection with me, glad there was a bond between us, completely heart broken that she was hurting. Once she had calmed herself and collected her emotions, we gathered our bags and made the trip down the stairs and up the hill to the waiting car. On the way, a woman stopped us. She was Maphada's mother. What Maphada thought or felt at seeing her mother I may never fully know, will never fully understand. She clung to my hand and partially hid behind my leg. She stood and listened as Markes stood and spoke to her mother discussing the adoption in Creole. I have no idea what was spoken, only understanding the yes, yes, voiced by her mother. But Maphada did, and the next thing I know she is climbing in the car with us as if she is going to. Did she think her mother's nodding head meant she could go now? I have no idea. I just know she had never done that before. And I know the way her body shook with her tears as I carried her away from the car, and how my tears blended with hers on our cheeks. I will never forget her face as she watched us drive away.
Tears fall down my face as I write. I haven't written until now for this very reason. It hurts too much to think about her. It hurts too much to close my eyes and imagine her little walk, to close my eyes and picture the way she eats out of the palm of her hand, to sit in silence and imagine the sound of her adorably deep voice, the beauty of her laughter...
Once again my heart was heavy with the desire, the urgent need, to be with her now! How could I wait any longer? How can I keep coming and going and leaving her behind? I prayed. I sent packages. I stalked facebook. I daydreamed. But wait. Is it still impossible? No. It. Is Not.
You see, in the midst of all of the above, our situation here has changed. I am ashamed to admit our debt still exists, but now we have options. The Porch is for sale. Chris has applied for a job overseas. I finally finished reading RADICAL. My perspective has changed tremendously. I am ready and willing to do the impossible. I have no idea what God has in store for us. I just know He is working on my heart and changing the longings of it. I am seeking Him in an entirely new way and I cannot wait to see what He has for us. Now I want to move to Haiti for Him first. I am starting to long for Him the way I long for her. I want to use my skills as a nurse and my resources as an American to further the gospel, just as Jesus commands us to do. So many times I have asked myself what God's will is for my life. Too many times. I know what His will is. We all do. All that remains is for us to obey. So here I sit, writing this blog, a little afraid of what you all will think, a little hesitant to put it all out there because what if it doesn't even happen? Oh well. It is worth it to share and ask for your prayers. Pray for God to set our path plainly before us and to guide our steps. Pray for Him to provide a way for us to do this if it is in fact His plan for us. Who knows? We might end up in Africa! Just kidding, but seriously, I am open to anything!!!!!

A heavy heart...

Forgive me as I fast forward to the present for a moment, and stumble over the whirlwind of thoughts in my brain, of emotions in my heart......
First of all, tomorrow is Maphada's birthday. She will be 8 years old. 8!!! When I think of all that I have missed, being the "I don't want to miss a thing kind of Momma that I am", my heart aches! I deal with the pain by imagining God being there for every milestone, Him feeling a sense of fatherly pride when she spoke her first word, Him chuckling the first time she laughed, Him urging her on as she took her first steps......
London will be 6 next week, and as we are planning his party, I am once again struck by the incredible contrast that is her life and his. She will be sharing her birthday party with other orphans, there may be music, a few games, and a cake. There may be a team of Americans there to help her celebrate, strangers who she will be very uncomfortable with. London will be surrounded by family and friends, cutting into a custom made Optimus Prime cake, playing games with his cousins, opening presents, basically being spoiled rotten. The party itself isn't the problem. In fact, we go rather overboard here. I have contemplated not even doing a big party, thinking about all of the other things that money could go to, which is an entirely different whirlwind, so we won't go there right now. The problem is the lack of being surrounded by your family, the lack of being surrounded by people who absolutely cherish you, which leads me to my other thoughts......
Every child should have a family. Hundreds of thousands of children are orphans. Some are true orphans in that both of their parents are dead. Some have been abandoned due to the poverty their parents live in and their inability to care for their needs. Maphada falls into the second category. Shortly after her second birthday, she came into the care of All God's Children orphanage. When I first traveled to Haiti I didn't know anything about her, except what I've shared already. I had no idea her birth parents were living. I was in love with this little girl, Maphada Delvard, 6 years old, with the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. I was taken completely off guard when I learned her parents were alive. I met her father. He gave me his blessing. I loved her. I wanted her. But was it the right thing to do? With her parents both alive, should Chris and I just help her parents be her parents??? I talked with the orphanage director about my thoughts one night, and well, you know how the conversation turned out. Here we are with our dossier in Haiti, more committed and attached to her than ever, and after meeting her mother on this last trip, I am still asking myself is this the right thing to do? After spending some time tonight chatting with our friend Markes, the adoption coordinator, I have come to agree with his thoughts. It is not the right thing. The right thing is for her to be with her parents, for them to be in a position to care for her needs. The right thing is for every child in the orphanage to be loved and cherished and cared for by his or her mama and papa. But, our world is broken, and the right thing cannot always happen, so here we are, trying to do the best thing in a terrible, heart breaking situation. I truly believe that what has taken place in our hearts, the love we have for Maphada, every bit as strong as the love we have for London, as the love a mother has for the child growing in her belly, is from God. The circumstances in which we were matched to her, the subtle confirmations we've had along the way, the commitment in our hearts...were all orchestrated by Him. I trust we are on the best path, not the right one perhaps, but the best one, if that makes sense.
I seem to recall posting several weeks ago something about adoption being a beautiful thing. I was wrong. Well, not entirely, but the truth is, the beauty of adoption comes at an extremely high cost. Maphada has suffered so much in her 8 years, and she will suffer more still as she grows up and processes everything in her past. And she is not a unique case. She is one in a million who suffer in this way.
Think. About. That......

Maphada's first "sonogram" :)

                                                                 

A few clarifications and... First Response, Take 2 :)

After reading over my first blog post, I realized that I left out a very important detail, and I wanted to clarify something too. First of all, the "for me, for Chris, for us" part definitely should have included a "for London" part so, here it goes... For London, it was a loud "woohoo!!!", hands in the air, dancing around kind of excitement, and his enthusiasm is unchanged. He loves his sister very much. Every day he talks about traveling to Haiti again to see her, or the day she will be here with us. As for the clarification I mentioned, I just wanted to elaborate on the prayer issue. I would have explained myself better to have said the news was more like an answer to prayer, not that I hadn't prayed at all. Like I said, adoption is something I have always wanted to do. Before all of this started, I had prayed and pretty much told God that if this was something he really wanted us to do the opportunity would have to just fall in our lap because I had no idea where to begin. Domestic? International? Foster care? Haiti? So, when my mom called, that is exactly how we felt, like this was the opportunity we had been praying for. Now, are we all clear? :)
As for the "First Resoponse, Take 2" that would be in reference to the next life changing phone call I received. On February 13th of last year, I received a call from Judd Vier, the missions pastor at our church. He was the man relaying all of the information from the team in Haiti to the adoptive families waiting here at home. I was standing in my kitchen when the phone rang. I was expecting his call, so I eagerly answered the phone, hands and voice shaking. He said, "Hi Tiffany. This is Judd. I have some news for you. You have been matched to a little boy. His name is Maphada Delvard. I didn't catch his age, but I will find our for you as soon as I can." There was a little bit of a pause as I waited for him to say more because you see, we had asked to be matched to two children, a boy and a girl. When he didn't say anything else, I thanked him, and with weak knees and tears in my eyes, I hung up the phone and called Chris right away to tell him the amazing news. I was a little disappointed at only being matched to one child, but I was so excited for London to have a brother, and for us to know his name! My disappointment was short-lived. I knew that God had hand-picked this child for us, and that He had His reasons for only matching us with one. Now, what was I to do with the little girls quilt I had already purchased??? Oh yeah, that was me. I had bought boy and girl bedding, a few outfits, and tooth brushes. I wanted to be prepared!!! Oh well, I would figure it out. In the mean time, I felt exactly the way I felt when I saw two stripes on that stick back in 2004! That is the only way to describe it. It is exactly like when you decide to try for a baby, and you take a pregnancy test, and Viola! it's positive!!! We were thrilled! And I proceeded to buy a few more boy items.... :)
On February 17th we learned that our son Maphada was 6 years old! We had asked to be matched to children 2-5 years of age. We were hesitant to adopt a child older than London because of the whole birth order thing. However, we again trusted that God knew exactly what He was doing, and once I got over the "oh my goodness, I've already missed 6 years of his life" thing, I was totally okay with it. London, at first disappointed because it ruined his plans to share his clothes with him since Maphada was "bigger", was quick to come around to the idea of being a little brother instead of a big one.
I know what you are thinking, "wait a minute, have I been reading the wrong facebook page? I thought Maphada was a girl?!???" No, you have not. Maphada is a girl, which I realized as soon as I laid eyes on the picture of the most beautiful little "boy" I had ever seen!!! :) On February 22nd we received our first picture of Maphada. Once again, I can't help but relate it to pregnancy. I like to think of this picture as our first sonogram. :) I was at work when Chris called telling me to check my email, we finally had a picture of him. I opened our email as soon as I could and waited impatiently for the computer to download the picture. How do I describe my reaction? I was in awe. I couldn't believe that I was at last looking at the face of my child. I was also puzzled. I noticed "his" hair and I thought, "his hair looks so different from all the other little boys"..."I think I see braids"..."and gee, this has got to be the prettiest little boy I've ever seen, I mean, London was pretty, but you know"...and finally, "oh my goodness, is Maphada a girl??!??" What came next you wonder? Well, let's just say that I only thought I was happy before. I can't even describe the feelings that welled up in my heart when I realized I had a daughter, then fear as I thought maybe we had received the wrong picture? And there I was at work, with no one to call for clarification. It was a very long night!!! First thing the next morning I started calling people and sending emails trying to figure out what had happened. Were we matched with a girl? Did we receive the wrong picture? I had to know!!! Finally, later that afternoon, I received a call from my dear friend Christi Barnes who confirmed that we were matched to Maphada, who was in fact a 6 year old little GIRL!!! Again, I cannot explain how it felt to learn that information. I did experience a brief feeling of loss for all of the little boy things I had already envisioned and planned, but the complete and utter JOY of learning Maphada was a girl filled an emptiness in my heart that I didn't even know was there. When I was pregnant, I wanted a boy. I never really said it out loud, but my heart's desire was for a baby boy. God answered the cry of my heart and gave me the most amazing son a mother could ever hope for. There is something incredibly humbling in that, to know the God of the entire universe hears you! Imagine it! Who am I, that He should hear me and give me the most amazing gift? And now, who am I, that He should know something about me that I didn't even realize, and give me the desire of my heart in a beautiful little girl named Maphada??? What else can be said except that I am soooo incredibly grateful that He saw fit to grow our family in this way. I am no longer just Tiffany, Chris' wife, London's momma, Gene and Jana's daughter, oncology nurse, ... I am Mama Maphada!!! MWE RENMEN OU ANPIL, MY SWEET, PRECIOUS GIRL!!!

Eleven years and counting...

Before I say anything else about our forever family, I need to say a little something about this day in history, June 10, 2000. This is the day our story began, and I am so thankful for the man who is my husband and the dabby of my children! We don't have any big plans this year. Lately, everything about us has been about this journey we are on, so we are keeping things simple, and cheap! ;) My heart is full, my life is blessed, and I am content to celebrate what really matters... The faith we share, our commitment to one another, the fact that God made us forever one, and 1+2 = Our Forever Family!!!

I LOVE YOU CHRIS!!!

Foreward...

Good morning cyber space! I have no idea how to do this, so I guess I will just dive right in. :) Exactly 1 year, 4 months, and 17 days ago, my life changed forever. I was walking in the front door after church one Sunday, my hands full of Rosa's take out, mine and London's traditional Sunday lunch, when my phone rang. It was my mom calling to ask if I had heard the announcement at church that morning. I hadn't heard anything, so what she said totally rocked my world! Our youth pastor and his wife had gotten their daughter out of Haiti through humanitarian parole that was offered after the earthquake, and there was reason to believe that more children could be placed in families as well. My heart soared, flipped over in my chest, Then proceeded to beat out of my chest! I had goose bumps and just this rock-solid feeling of certainty in my soul. I knew we would do this. I called Chris right away and he immediately agreed we needed to let them now as soon as possible that we wanted to adopt a child too, maybe even two! :) Looking back I feel somewhat foolish because, to be honest, we really didn't pray about it at the time. For me, adoption was something I had always wanted to do. For Chris, it was something I had talked about often enough that he had gotten used to the idea. For us as a couple, it was so clear. We felt that there was very little to pray about since scripture so frequently speaks on our role as the body of Christ to care for widows and orphans. So, we made a mad dash, along with 15 other families, to make our desire and calling known, to fill out paperwork, get fingerprinted at the police department, and prepare files for a team of 10 to take to Haiti. And that is where it all began. I cannot wait to share the rest of the story, but as you can imagine, I have much to tell from these last 502 amazing, bittersweet days, so I will have to take it one step at a time. In the meantime, we covet your prayers so much. We are hoping and praying our sweet girl will be home for Christmas, but in reality it may take much longer. Thank you all so much for your support and encouragement throughout this entire process. Much love and blessings to you all, Momma Maphada