A heavy heart...

Forgive me as I fast forward to the present for a moment, and stumble over the whirlwind of thoughts in my brain, of emotions in my heart......
First of all, tomorrow is Maphada's birthday. She will be 8 years old. 8!!! When I think of all that I have missed, being the "I don't want to miss a thing kind of Momma that I am", my heart aches! I deal with the pain by imagining God being there for every milestone, Him feeling a sense of fatherly pride when she spoke her first word, Him chuckling the first time she laughed, Him urging her on as she took her first steps......
London will be 6 next week, and as we are planning his party, I am once again struck by the incredible contrast that is her life and his. She will be sharing her birthday party with other orphans, there may be music, a few games, and a cake. There may be a team of Americans there to help her celebrate, strangers who she will be very uncomfortable with. London will be surrounded by family and friends, cutting into a custom made Optimus Prime cake, playing games with his cousins, opening presents, basically being spoiled rotten. The party itself isn't the problem. In fact, we go rather overboard here. I have contemplated not even doing a big party, thinking about all of the other things that money could go to, which is an entirely different whirlwind, so we won't go there right now. The problem is the lack of being surrounded by your family, the lack of being surrounded by people who absolutely cherish you, which leads me to my other thoughts......
Every child should have a family. Hundreds of thousands of children are orphans. Some are true orphans in that both of their parents are dead. Some have been abandoned due to the poverty their parents live in and their inability to care for their needs. Maphada falls into the second category. Shortly after her second birthday, she came into the care of All God's Children orphanage. When I first traveled to Haiti I didn't know anything about her, except what I've shared already. I had no idea her birth parents were living. I was in love with this little girl, Maphada Delvard, 6 years old, with the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. I was taken completely off guard when I learned her parents were alive. I met her father. He gave me his blessing. I loved her. I wanted her. But was it the right thing to do? With her parents both alive, should Chris and I just help her parents be her parents??? I talked with the orphanage director about my thoughts one night, and well, you know how the conversation turned out. Here we are with our dossier in Haiti, more committed and attached to her than ever, and after meeting her mother on this last trip, I am still asking myself is this the right thing to do? After spending some time tonight chatting with our friend Markes, the adoption coordinator, I have come to agree with his thoughts. It is not the right thing. The right thing is for her to be with her parents, for them to be in a position to care for her needs. The right thing is for every child in the orphanage to be loved and cherished and cared for by his or her mama and papa. But, our world is broken, and the right thing cannot always happen, so here we are, trying to do the best thing in a terrible, heart breaking situation. I truly believe that what has taken place in our hearts, the love we have for Maphada, every bit as strong as the love we have for London, as the love a mother has for the child growing in her belly, is from God. The circumstances in which we were matched to her, the subtle confirmations we've had along the way, the commitment in our hearts...were all orchestrated by Him. I trust we are on the best path, not the right one perhaps, but the best one, if that makes sense.
I seem to recall posting several weeks ago something about adoption being a beautiful thing. I was wrong. Well, not entirely, but the truth is, the beauty of adoption comes at an extremely high cost. Maphada has suffered so much in her 8 years, and she will suffer more still as she grows up and processes everything in her past. And she is not a unique case. She is one in a million who suffer in this way.
Think. About. That......

Maphada's first "sonogram" :)

                                                                 

A few clarifications and... First Response, Take 2 :)

After reading over my first blog post, I realized that I left out a very important detail, and I wanted to clarify something too. First of all, the "for me, for Chris, for us" part definitely should have included a "for London" part so, here it goes... For London, it was a loud "woohoo!!!", hands in the air, dancing around kind of excitement, and his enthusiasm is unchanged. He loves his sister very much. Every day he talks about traveling to Haiti again to see her, or the day she will be here with us. As for the clarification I mentioned, I just wanted to elaborate on the prayer issue. I would have explained myself better to have said the news was more like an answer to prayer, not that I hadn't prayed at all. Like I said, adoption is something I have always wanted to do. Before all of this started, I had prayed and pretty much told God that if this was something he really wanted us to do the opportunity would have to just fall in our lap because I had no idea where to begin. Domestic? International? Foster care? Haiti? So, when my mom called, that is exactly how we felt, like this was the opportunity we had been praying for. Now, are we all clear? :)
As for the "First Resoponse, Take 2" that would be in reference to the next life changing phone call I received. On February 13th of last year, I received a call from Judd Vier, the missions pastor at our church. He was the man relaying all of the information from the team in Haiti to the adoptive families waiting here at home. I was standing in my kitchen when the phone rang. I was expecting his call, so I eagerly answered the phone, hands and voice shaking. He said, "Hi Tiffany. This is Judd. I have some news for you. You have been matched to a little boy. His name is Maphada Delvard. I didn't catch his age, but I will find our for you as soon as I can." There was a little bit of a pause as I waited for him to say more because you see, we had asked to be matched to two children, a boy and a girl. When he didn't say anything else, I thanked him, and with weak knees and tears in my eyes, I hung up the phone and called Chris right away to tell him the amazing news. I was a little disappointed at only being matched to one child, but I was so excited for London to have a brother, and for us to know his name! My disappointment was short-lived. I knew that God had hand-picked this child for us, and that He had His reasons for only matching us with one. Now, what was I to do with the little girls quilt I had already purchased??? Oh yeah, that was me. I had bought boy and girl bedding, a few outfits, and tooth brushes. I wanted to be prepared!!! Oh well, I would figure it out. In the mean time, I felt exactly the way I felt when I saw two stripes on that stick back in 2004! That is the only way to describe it. It is exactly like when you decide to try for a baby, and you take a pregnancy test, and Viola! it's positive!!! We were thrilled! And I proceeded to buy a few more boy items.... :)
On February 17th we learned that our son Maphada was 6 years old! We had asked to be matched to children 2-5 years of age. We were hesitant to adopt a child older than London because of the whole birth order thing. However, we again trusted that God knew exactly what He was doing, and once I got over the "oh my goodness, I've already missed 6 years of his life" thing, I was totally okay with it. London, at first disappointed because it ruined his plans to share his clothes with him since Maphada was "bigger", was quick to come around to the idea of being a little brother instead of a big one.
I know what you are thinking, "wait a minute, have I been reading the wrong facebook page? I thought Maphada was a girl?!???" No, you have not. Maphada is a girl, which I realized as soon as I laid eyes on the picture of the most beautiful little "boy" I had ever seen!!! :) On February 22nd we received our first picture of Maphada. Once again, I can't help but relate it to pregnancy. I like to think of this picture as our first sonogram. :) I was at work when Chris called telling me to check my email, we finally had a picture of him. I opened our email as soon as I could and waited impatiently for the computer to download the picture. How do I describe my reaction? I was in awe. I couldn't believe that I was at last looking at the face of my child. I was also puzzled. I noticed "his" hair and I thought, "his hair looks so different from all the other little boys"..."I think I see braids"..."and gee, this has got to be the prettiest little boy I've ever seen, I mean, London was pretty, but you know"...and finally, "oh my goodness, is Maphada a girl??!??" What came next you wonder? Well, let's just say that I only thought I was happy before. I can't even describe the feelings that welled up in my heart when I realized I had a daughter, then fear as I thought maybe we had received the wrong picture? And there I was at work, with no one to call for clarification. It was a very long night!!! First thing the next morning I started calling people and sending emails trying to figure out what had happened. Were we matched with a girl? Did we receive the wrong picture? I had to know!!! Finally, later that afternoon, I received a call from my dear friend Christi Barnes who confirmed that we were matched to Maphada, who was in fact a 6 year old little GIRL!!! Again, I cannot explain how it felt to learn that information. I did experience a brief feeling of loss for all of the little boy things I had already envisioned and planned, but the complete and utter JOY of learning Maphada was a girl filled an emptiness in my heart that I didn't even know was there. When I was pregnant, I wanted a boy. I never really said it out loud, but my heart's desire was for a baby boy. God answered the cry of my heart and gave me the most amazing son a mother could ever hope for. There is something incredibly humbling in that, to know the God of the entire universe hears you! Imagine it! Who am I, that He should hear me and give me the most amazing gift? And now, who am I, that He should know something about me that I didn't even realize, and give me the desire of my heart in a beautiful little girl named Maphada??? What else can be said except that I am soooo incredibly grateful that He saw fit to grow our family in this way. I am no longer just Tiffany, Chris' wife, London's momma, Gene and Jana's daughter, oncology nurse, ... I am Mama Maphada!!! MWE RENMEN OU ANPIL, MY SWEET, PRECIOUS GIRL!!!

Eleven years and counting...

Before I say anything else about our forever family, I need to say a little something about this day in history, June 10, 2000. This is the day our story began, and I am so thankful for the man who is my husband and the dabby of my children! We don't have any big plans this year. Lately, everything about us has been about this journey we are on, so we are keeping things simple, and cheap! ;) My heart is full, my life is blessed, and I am content to celebrate what really matters... The faith we share, our commitment to one another, the fact that God made us forever one, and 1+2 = Our Forever Family!!!

I LOVE YOU CHRIS!!!

Foreward...

Good morning cyber space! I have no idea how to do this, so I guess I will just dive right in. :) Exactly 1 year, 4 months, and 17 days ago, my life changed forever. I was walking in the front door after church one Sunday, my hands full of Rosa's take out, mine and London's traditional Sunday lunch, when my phone rang. It was my mom calling to ask if I had heard the announcement at church that morning. I hadn't heard anything, so what she said totally rocked my world! Our youth pastor and his wife had gotten their daughter out of Haiti through humanitarian parole that was offered after the earthquake, and there was reason to believe that more children could be placed in families as well. My heart soared, flipped over in my chest, Then proceeded to beat out of my chest! I had goose bumps and just this rock-solid feeling of certainty in my soul. I knew we would do this. I called Chris right away and he immediately agreed we needed to let them now as soon as possible that we wanted to adopt a child too, maybe even two! :) Looking back I feel somewhat foolish because, to be honest, we really didn't pray about it at the time. For me, adoption was something I had always wanted to do. For Chris, it was something I had talked about often enough that he had gotten used to the idea. For us as a couple, it was so clear. We felt that there was very little to pray about since scripture so frequently speaks on our role as the body of Christ to care for widows and orphans. So, we made a mad dash, along with 15 other families, to make our desire and calling known, to fill out paperwork, get fingerprinted at the police department, and prepare files for a team of 10 to take to Haiti. And that is where it all began. I cannot wait to share the rest of the story, but as you can imagine, I have much to tell from these last 502 amazing, bittersweet days, so I will have to take it one step at a time. In the meantime, we covet your prayers so much. We are hoping and praying our sweet girl will be home for Christmas, but in reality it may take much longer. Thank you all so much for your support and encouragement throughout this entire process. Much love and blessings to you all, Momma Maphada