A heavy heart...

Forgive me as I fast forward to the present for a moment, and stumble over the whirlwind of thoughts in my brain, of emotions in my heart......
First of all, tomorrow is Maphada's birthday. She will be 8 years old. 8!!! When I think of all that I have missed, being the "I don't want to miss a thing kind of Momma that I am", my heart aches! I deal with the pain by imagining God being there for every milestone, Him feeling a sense of fatherly pride when she spoke her first word, Him chuckling the first time she laughed, Him urging her on as she took her first steps......
London will be 6 next week, and as we are planning his party, I am once again struck by the incredible contrast that is her life and his. She will be sharing her birthday party with other orphans, there may be music, a few games, and a cake. There may be a team of Americans there to help her celebrate, strangers who she will be very uncomfortable with. London will be surrounded by family and friends, cutting into a custom made Optimus Prime cake, playing games with his cousins, opening presents, basically being spoiled rotten. The party itself isn't the problem. In fact, we go rather overboard here. I have contemplated not even doing a big party, thinking about all of the other things that money could go to, which is an entirely different whirlwind, so we won't go there right now. The problem is the lack of being surrounded by your family, the lack of being surrounded by people who absolutely cherish you, which leads me to my other thoughts......
Every child should have a family. Hundreds of thousands of children are orphans. Some are true orphans in that both of their parents are dead. Some have been abandoned due to the poverty their parents live in and their inability to care for their needs. Maphada falls into the second category. Shortly after her second birthday, she came into the care of All God's Children orphanage. When I first traveled to Haiti I didn't know anything about her, except what I've shared already. I had no idea her birth parents were living. I was in love with this little girl, Maphada Delvard, 6 years old, with the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. I was taken completely off guard when I learned her parents were alive. I met her father. He gave me his blessing. I loved her. I wanted her. But was it the right thing to do? With her parents both alive, should Chris and I just help her parents be her parents??? I talked with the orphanage director about my thoughts one night, and well, you know how the conversation turned out. Here we are with our dossier in Haiti, more committed and attached to her than ever, and after meeting her mother on this last trip, I am still asking myself is this the right thing to do? After spending some time tonight chatting with our friend Markes, the adoption coordinator, I have come to agree with his thoughts. It is not the right thing. The right thing is for her to be with her parents, for them to be in a position to care for her needs. The right thing is for every child in the orphanage to be loved and cherished and cared for by his or her mama and papa. But, our world is broken, and the right thing cannot always happen, so here we are, trying to do the best thing in a terrible, heart breaking situation. I truly believe that what has taken place in our hearts, the love we have for Maphada, every bit as strong as the love we have for London, as the love a mother has for the child growing in her belly, is from God. The circumstances in which we were matched to her, the subtle confirmations we've had along the way, the commitment in our hearts...were all orchestrated by Him. I trust we are on the best path, not the right one perhaps, but the best one, if that makes sense.
I seem to recall posting several weeks ago something about adoption being a beautiful thing. I was wrong. Well, not entirely, but the truth is, the beauty of adoption comes at an extremely high cost. Maphada has suffered so much in her 8 years, and she will suffer more still as she grows up and processes everything in her past. And she is not a unique case. She is one in a million who suffer in this way.
Think. About. That......