I sit here this morning pondering the possibilities, those I've lost because of the depth of my sin, and those that still lie ahead because we serve a merciful God. For those of you who don't know, and the few that do, it must be said that since my first trip to Haiti I have wanted to move there. Surprised? Me too. =) At first it was because of the pain I experienced when I rode away from my daughter. Those first two weeks back home I experienced some of the most painful days of my life. And I daydreamed, a lot. I thought of all the possibilities and scenarios that would have to take place for us to just pack up and move to Fedja, Mirebalias, Haiti. It was impossible. Too many obligations. Too much debt. I eventually got over the idea and just tried to deal with it all the best that I could. I made connections on facebook and was able to send packages to Maphada frequently. I stalked people on facebook and found several pictures of Maphada to savor in her absence. I rejoiced when God provided a way for me to return to Haiti in June 2010 for M's birthday. (Thank you mom and dad!) I spent 6 glorious days with my Maphada, my London, and my Momma. Then I left her again. And once again my heart was heavy for weeks with the desire to leave all of our comforts here to be with her. And once again, I had to dismiss the idea because it was just impossible. I sent packages. I stalked facebook. I prayed. I rejoiced when once again God provided a way for me to return to Haiti, this time to witness the meeting of Dabby and Maphada. GLORIOUS! (Thank you again mom and dad!) Then we left her, and oh how she clung to her Dabby that morning! :'( I sent packages. I stalked facebook. I PRAYED. How would I endure this? I fought intense jealously when I learned of another couple who was moving there to expedite their adoption and work for GVCM. Why them? Why not me? Don't get me wrong, I was happy for them, but totally, completely bummed for me. But once again God provided and Chris was able to travel to Haiti again. I rejoiced in the opportunity. In my absence he was able to bond with her and she never left his side. He tucked her into bed on that last night, then rode away in the early hours of the next morning. She awoke, and her Dabby was gone. He did prepare her, but still, I cringe to think of what she must have felt. I savored the pictures and videos he took, the details of their time together, and again my heart was heavy with the desire to go to her. Impossible. I sent packages. I talked to her on the phone! I stalked facebook. I prayed! And once again, God provided a way for me to go to Haiti, dossier in hand. (I'll post a blog one day detailing the nightmare that was the dossier). I spent 6 glorious days with my Maphada, my London, and my Momma. This trip was packed full of intensity. Taking our dossier was a huge step in the process. I was incredibly thankful to be at that point, but with her 8th birthday steadily approaching, I was also angry that it had taken so long. I spent every possible moment with my girl. We debated if she should spend the night with us or not. She did. She played, snacked, read, and laughed with us for 6 days. And on the last day, she cried for hours in my arms. What had I done? In my desire to soak up every moment with her I had inadvertently caused her pain. My conversation with her and Jude the night before seemed futile. She clung to me and cried in a sorrowful way. What you don't know yet is that I had already seen sweet M cry four times. She cries with no noise. She is so quiet, and living in an orphanage I am sure she has learned to hide her tears from taunting. This time she made noise, so the depth of her emotion struck me in an entirely new way. I was glad she felt a connection with me, glad there was a bond between us, completely heart broken that she was hurting. Once she had calmed herself and collected her emotions, we gathered our bags and made the trip down the stairs and up the hill to the waiting car. On the way, a woman stopped us. She was Maphada's mother. What Maphada thought or felt at seeing her mother I may never fully know, will never fully understand. She clung to my hand and partially hid behind my leg. She stood and listened as Markes stood and spoke to her mother discussing the adoption in Creole. I have no idea what was spoken, only understanding the yes, yes, voiced by her mother. But Maphada did, and the next thing I know she is climbing in the car with us as if she is going to. Did she think her mother's nodding head meant she could go now? I have no idea. I just know she had never done that before. And I know the way her body shook with her tears as I carried her away from the car, and how my tears blended with hers on our cheeks. I will never forget her face as she watched us drive away.
Tears fall down my face as I write. I haven't written until now for this very reason. It hurts too much to think about her. It hurts too much to close my eyes and imagine her little walk, to close my eyes and picture the way she eats out of the palm of her hand, to sit in silence and imagine the sound of her adorably deep voice, the beauty of her laughter...
Once again my heart was heavy with the desire, the urgent need, to be with her now! How could I wait any longer? How can I keep coming and going and leaving her behind? I prayed. I sent packages. I stalked facebook. I daydreamed. But wait. Is it still impossible? No. It. Is Not.
You see, in the midst of all of the above, our situation here has changed. I am ashamed to admit our debt still exists, but now we have options. The Porch is for sale. Chris has applied for a job overseas. I finally finished reading RADICAL. My perspective has changed tremendously. I am ready and willing to do the impossible. I have no idea what God has in store for us. I just know He is working on my heart and changing the longings of it. I am seeking Him in an entirely new way and I cannot wait to see what He has for us. Now I want to move to Haiti for Him first. I am starting to long for Him the way I long for her. I want to use my skills as a nurse and my resources as an American to further the gospel, just as Jesus commands us to do. So many times I have asked myself what God's will is for my life. Too many times. I know what His will is. We all do. All that remains is for us to obey. So here I sit, writing this blog, a little afraid of what you all will think, a little hesitant to put it all out there because what if it doesn't even happen? Oh well. It is worth it to share and ask for your prayers. Pray for God to set our path plainly before us and to guide our steps. Pray for Him to provide a way for us to do this if it is in fact His plan for us. Who knows? We might end up in Africa! Just kidding, but seriously, I am open to anything!!!!!
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