First of all, I slept in to a ridiculously late hour, 1:15 I think... The first thing I did was check facebook. Like I said, these details are not pretty and I am embarrassed to admit that checking facebook first thing is not at all unusual for me. I am an addict. Where were we? Oh yes, facebook. The first post I see is from a fellow adoptive mama cheerfully posting details of what this day means for her family, counting the days, the 4 month anniversary of bringing her adorable baby girls home from Haiti, followed by an equally adorable homecoming video. She had no way of knowing what this day meant for my family...and she is not responsible for the emotions I felt in seeing her post. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for her. Happy for what it means to her family, as well as filled with hope for what it will one day mean for mine. It just wasn't a good day. We are counting too. Today is Maphada's 9th birthday. We have celebrated three birthdays with her so far. Three. Last year I posted a sweet pic of Markes taking her out for ice cream on her 8th birthday. Someone commented asking how long it would be until we could bring her home. Naively, I replied that best case scenario she would be home by Christmas, but hopefully at least before her next birthday. Well, here it is. And here she isn't.
Lately I've been answering the above question with something similar, "Best case scenario she will be home by Christmas, if everything goes absolutely perfectly from this point on". Why do I keep doing this to myself? I have no idea when she will be home!!!! NONE!!! I am constantly fighting to keep my sanity, to maintain a sense of peace, to cling to God's promises when it feels like it will never happen. So, today has not been pretty. I have wept, I have questioned, I have prayed, I have searched, I have been angry, I have been numb, I have been lonely, I have been heartbroken, I have thrown one heck of a pity party...and I have scolded myself for all of the above.
Where is my faith? Where is my trust? Do I really believe God is who He says He is? Do I believe He loves me? Do I believe He loves her? Of course, the answer is YES. I do believe God is who He says He is, that He loves me, that He loves her (more than I do). I believe He has a purpose in the wait, that He is molding us and stretching us to make us stronger...because this gut wrenching wait is only half of the battle. We will have so many challenges once she is home. This little girl I love so much is basically a stranger. Yes we've traveled seven times to see her, we've caught little glimpses of who she is, but we have yet to see and understand the complete canvas of her heart. I romanticize the process and say things like "I love everything about her", "I wouldn't change anything about who she is", etc. when in reality I barely know her. And that's okay, because the truth in those statements is that I choose to love her, and will always choose to love her, no matter what we learn about her once she is home. So with tears in my eyes, more questions than answers in my heart, I wish my beautiful baby girl a
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
BONNE FETE!!!
JOYEUX ANIVERSAIRE!!!
And on a happier note... WE JUST SKYPED WITH MAPHADA!!! Mesi Jezi! A beautiful end to a very trying day. Choosing to believe God is good. All the time. Loving a beautiful little girl in Haiti with all of our hearts...
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