Retail therapy...not so much

We went shopping for our baby girl tonight. Every once in awhile, when I feel like I will suffocate from the pain of waiting, I convince myself that shopping for her will make me feel better. Jokingly, I told my husband I needed a little retail therapy because I miss her so much. Silly I know, but sometimes it does make me feel a teensy bit better. I feel like I am doing something, participating in her life in a small way.
Well, tonight didn't really go as planned. Sure, we bought a cute outfit for her to wear, we found a couple of t-shirts and her dabby picked out a pair of flip-flops...and that's when it all began to fall apart for me, the fantasy that I was in. This happy little bubble, shopping for my daughter as if she were going to be home in a matter of days. You see, the first time I went shopping for my sweet Maphada, I purchased 4T shirts and shorts. Her first flip-flops were a 12/13. Tonight, we bought size 6-7 clothes and 3/4 flip-flops. It was painful to pick those up and see how very big they are. Maphada will be 9 in June. 9... Chris changed the subject, London pointed out a silly hat, and I shook myself out of my funk and we continued on with the rest of our evening, completing our purchases and driving home.
But wait, we need milk and bread at the store. So, we pile out of the truck again and go in Wal-Mart. And who do I see, standing up on little tippy-toes reaching for the apples? Of course it's an adorable 2-year old with a poof ponytail, a little black beauty, so pick-up-able, so snug-able, so not almost 9 years old. I can't really describe the conflicting emotions that hit me like a load of bricks when I see my M in another little girls face, particularly when that little girl is a toddler. You can ask anyone, with London, I did not want to miss. a. thing. After working a 12 hour shift all night, with very little sleep the day before, I would drive to my mom's house right after work to pick up my baby boy because I couldn't stand the thought of missing a single moment more than was necessary. So yes, I cringe inside whenever I allow myself to stop and think of Maphada as a baby, a toddler, of everything I have missed with her. So mostly I just don't think about it.
Then there is the flip side of it all. I love Maphada with all my heart. I love her very being. I would not change a single detail about her. She would not be who she is right now if she had come to us as a 2 year old. When I first met my beautiful M, she was quiet and shy with an awkward smile, very unsure of herself and what I was all about. Now she is every bit as beautiful, full of joy and spunk, with an adorable little bounce in her step now that she knows what I am all about. I cannot wait to see her again in two weeks. I CANNOT WAIT TO BRING HER HOME! Oh how I love our little M.Jade!

So...it turns out that retail therapy isn't all that therapeutic, but love is, and the God who controls it all loves her even more than I do, so what do I have to fear?

Our tiny tot Maphada,

Fingers in her mouth as always, 

Sporting the purple seersucker.